If you’re reading this and you’re in your 20s and 30s, I’ve got some great news for you. Believe it or not- you will actually run out of fucks to give. When you’re younger, it feels like you have an infinite amount of them. But you don’t! You actually have a finite amount.
As you get older, there are less and less fucks to give! The amount each person has is different. Some people are lucky and run out REAL quick. Others have a lot, and it takes longer.
I can’t tell you precisely when I ran out., but I know it happened. Like a switch was flipped, and I realized I was the one punishing myself. Telling myself I couldn’t do this or wear that. Then one day…I didn’t want to miss out on things I was denying myself any longer, or punish myself because I didn’t look a certain way.
I didn’t want to limit myself anymore.
I grew up spending my teenage allowance on skin firming cellulite reducing creams. Do you remember when Nivea came out with that? I treated that cream like it was the answer to my self confidence problems. Like I would slather this on and suddenly be considered hot, or desirable, or at LEAST be able to wear shorts without shame. I actually didn’t start wearing shorts above the knee until I was in my mid-30s…(Side note: ‘Shorts Without Shame’ sounds like a movement we should start!)
I grew up believing I had to stop eating bread, rice and all carbs because it was making this unsightly situation worse. I was told I had the ‘Simms’ legs and that was not a desirable physical trait to have acquired.
And I believed it all. Because I had lumps and bumps and rolls, it was not acceptable for me to show or be comfortable in my body.
Then one day, I simply decided I’d had enough. And just like that, I had nothing left to give.
To the shame monster in my head.
To the voices telling me the most terrible things I would never say to another person.
I reached my quota on hating my body and punishing myself because magazines and movies didn’t show bodies that looked like mine as the main characters, or happily ever afters.
Enough was enough.
Why was I even unhappy with my body?
Not because I’ve had partners that have made me feel bad about it. If you have that, that is a whole other conversation we need to have, because no one that truly loves you would make you feel bad about your body.
No one commented on my body in a swimsuit or any public setting. There was no pointing or laughing. No groups of people snickering like movies taught us they would.
We grew up believing if we weren’t a single digit size with toned limbs and smooth skin, then we had to work harder. Those were the goals. The media is telling us the size, weight and shape we should be. Then we would be worthy of fully living. Of being seen.
Think about that.
Who decided what the ideal shape, size or weight a person should be? To enjoy life and wear fashionable things. To dare to be seen. Who made that decision; because I would like to talk to them. Or at the very least, write them a strongly worded letter.
The tides are turning.
We’re waking up.
We’re fighting back.
We have nothing left to give when it comes to punishing ourselves.
Hiding ourselves.
Hating ourselves.
I have NONE of that left in me. And neither should you.
I am so glad that real bodies are showing up online, in stores, in ad campaigns. Representation really does matter. How different could our mentalities be if we grew up seeing all sizes and shapes on our TVs and in our magazines? And not as the plucky humorous sidekick or the BEFORE picture. I’m talking main character energy! What would that have changed for us?
I would like you to stop and think for one second – what is the first thing you would do if you could flip that switch inside your own head right now and never think another negative thing about the way you look? What would it be?
Is it wearing bright colors? Starting your own business? A trendy haircut? Working on writing? Wearing a crop top, mini skirt, bikini?
Now why aren’t you doing it? Why are you giving anyone or anything that power over you, and your life? Really think about this for a minute – who or what is holding YOU back from doing that one thing? From living the life you want to live, whatever that looks like?
Show up not only for yourselves, but for others who are watching, desperately trying to also break free. No one can do this FOR YOU. You can buy books, download checklists, sign up for newsletters but at some point- YOU have to take action.
Don’t think it has to be large leaps, obliterating your comfort zone or upending your life. Small ripples can lead to big waves. Small changes can lead to big results. Let’s expand your comfort zone rather than completely stepping outside it. I am living proof that you can change the way you think about yourself and see yourself. You can unshackle the limitations you’ve strapped on yourself for what you can and can’t do, or wear, or be.
It’s not just about appearances – it’s living the life you want to live; being the person you want to be.
Take that last fuck you’re holding on to, and let it go.
In fact, take out a notebook, post it note, sheet of paper- whatever you have and write down one thing you want to let go of. Write it down – then tear that page out. Crinkle it. Rip it up. Make it a plane and send it soaring away from you!
Let it go.
You don’t have to break the walls down all at once. You can take down one brick at a time. Maybe it’s looking in the mirror and saying one nice thing about yourself each day. How many people thought a negative thing about themselves today, or this weekend?
Here are some ways you can start small:
I love this colour on me.
I like how I did my makeup today.
I love how my hair looks like this.
It’s forming a new habit and that takes time and practice like anything worthwhile.
Before you know it, without really noticing, the walls you built up will be gone. You’ll remember where they used to be. You’ll still feel their foundations, and the familiar pull to say or think something negative about yourself BUT… you’ll recognize it, and stop it in it’s tracks. You’ll know this acceptance feels a lot better than that shame.
I can’t tell you how many times I tried to talk myself out of getting up on this stage and doing this talk. I do not feel fearless. Who am I to tell people they can love themselves more or how to stop years and generations of negative self talk, but like I said earlier, representation matters.
I think we think that there’s a gene we don’t have, like these people we want to be, that we follow, who we think are crushing it jump out of bed in the morning ready to kick ass and take names – blaze a trail of awesome. That’s just not the case. It’s a choice we make every day to choose ourselves, our happiness over the made up opinions of a faceless ‘they’.
Because it’s safer to not try.
It’s safer to not attract attention.
Because even if most of that attention is positive, it’ll be that negative 1% we remember. We obsess over. We fixate on. It proves we shouldn’t have tried.
Now I’m not a mathematician, but in what scenario EVER is 1% more memorable or worthy of your attention, than the other 99?
Stay small.
Don’t try.
Don’t put yourself out there.
But your life is too important, too precious.
It’s like Brene Brown quoted from Teddy Roosevelt in Daring Greatly, this one really helped me to separate out that faceless ‘they’ for exactly what they are:
“It is not the critic who counts; not the woman who points out how the strong woman stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the woman who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming,..”.
If you’re not in the arena with me, I’m not interested in your opinion. And that’s one of the hard lessons to learn and adapt.
Self love starts with you and letting go of the limiting beliefs you hold yourself to. You are not your size or shape. Those are the least interesting things about you. Those people you follow on socials who wear what you want to wear, do what you want to do? They’re not special. They’re not exceptions. They’re just people who ran out of fucks to give and started living life exactly how they wanted to, and you can too. You have permission to.
Here is my 3 step self confidence building challenge to you:
Step One. Recognize when you have negative thoughts about yourself. Recognize it and stop it in its tracks. Think what you would do if a friend said the same comment about themselves.
Step Two: Start saying good things to yourself, even if it feels forced. It’s building a new habit and probably one that might feel foreign to you at first. It can be small like we said earlier – I like this colour on me. I like how my hair looks, etc.
Step Three: Take steps (even small ones) towards the direction you want to go in. Wear something you wish you could wear, even if it’s just around the house at first. Maybe it’s to a trusted friend’s house – start small in safe spaces and start building those confidence muscles. Maybe it’s enrolling in an online class to start learning that skill or side business you wish you could do. Or maybe it’s writing down your ideas on post it notes and figuring out how you’re going to move in that direction. You’re building those resiliency muscles just like exercising.
Challenge yourself to do something for yourself every day, and before you know it, your confidence will grow. The negative thoughts will become less and less. You will have less of them as you see how they were coming from you all along.
People who know and love you want to support you, lift you up, inspire you. They don’t want to hold you down. No one worth having in your life would do that. We all have that ONE person in our lives, a family member, a friend who breaks out the “must be nice” and “did you see what they were wearing?!” a little too often. While we can’t always just cut these people out of our lives, we can recognize that comments like that come from a negative place, and are about THEM, not anyone else. They’re not ready to take a chance, to live fully, and will come down on anyone that dares to.
Like me getting out of my own way to share this with you. I feel the fear. Same with sharing pics of my outfits or my body online, being vulnerable. I do it because I know that if I can help ONE person feel better about themselves, it’s worth it.
We lift each other up. We are our accountability buddies. We do it for the greater good of all of us.
In the immortal words of RuPaul: If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an Amen!” Or this quote from Mel Robbins ‘Let Them Theory’: You are the love of your own life. And the life you create begins with how you choose to love yourself.
Because for self hatred, self loathing, and the haters who tell us not to shine because they don’t know how to and want to keep us down with them…
I’ve got nothing left to give.
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