Divorce and Marriage

His first time. Not mine. 
When I first met Tyson, the first question people asked was always ‘Divorced?’. Because its far more common to be divorced than never married once you’re over 30.

I remember the first time I heard of a friend’s parents getting divorced when I was growing up. It was almost earth shattering at the time. I felt so bad for that friend. None of us had any frame of reference for what they were going through, or what to expect.

While divorce has become much more common, it’s not something we openly talk about outside of the nastier situations. It still feels like there’s a stigma attached to it . As if people will wonder, ‘Were you the cause of the divorce or are you the lucky one to get out of a terrible situation?’

I insisted Tyson tell his parents that I was previously married, when he started to talk about wanting us to get married. He couldn’t understand why. I’m not sure why myself but I felt they HAD to know that before it could happen.

It’s a hard topic because there are SO many scenarios that lead to divorce. There are no blanket statements about moving on. I’ve wrestled with how deep to get in to my own experience because I don’t want to make any insinuations based on my perspective.

So let me say this: I feel like I wear a black mark on me since I’ve been divorced. A feeling which is not helped every year filing taxes, and having to click the divorced box no matter how many years have passed since it happened.

Card renewals show up with the married name even though you’ve called and called, and been assured it would be changed this time. Then there’s the new relationships, where loved ones continually caution you ‘not to move too fast’. Or worse – ‘Maybe you should just be by yourself for awhile’. This statement is usually made by people who have been in committed relationships for 10+years. They haven’t experienced dating (or breakups for that matter) over 30.

What is the correct time for mourning your marriage or relationship? If you even are mourning it. And even if you aren’t – what governing party decided what the right amount of time is to meet someone or dare to try again? Whether it’s Mr Right or Mr Right Now? 

When Tyson told me he wanted to get married and have a wedding – well, let’s just say I internally panicked. Ok, not so internally –  I’m pretty transparent. My discomfort and self-shaming was palpable.

I told myself I’d never get married again, would never change my name again.

The things I would say to myself were SO mean. I told myself – people who know I was married before are definitely going to think, “Is she seriously going to have ANOTHER wedding?”. I thought of how many people I knew who’d never been married at this point and wanted to be, like I was somehow flaunting it.

A part of me resented him for for wanting to get married because I knew first hand marriage is not what keeps people together. Why couldn’t we just agree we loved each other and not have to get the government involved? I wrestled with so many feelings and most of them were strangling the little joy there was because this perfect-for-me man wanted to marry me. I was worried about ruining this experience for him, but my shame about being previously married was running the show.

It was a constant struggle from the day he asked me until the day of our wedding. I would be asked ‘are you excited’ on a regular basis and I know my face contorts into trying to show a smile, but it’s like my muscle memory is saying ‘you’re a fool to believe it will work out’. I would never say something like that to another person who was remarrying. We truly are our own worst enemies at times.

I’ve tried really hard to let go of all those past memories of what comes after it doesn’t work out, of the stigmas attached to remarrying, and just focus on the positive of it, but it’s hard, even a decade later. I worry writing this will hurt Tyson’s feelings but I’ve been honest about my struggle with him.. somewhat.

I never wanted him to think my adversity or negativity had anything at all to do with him because it doesn’t. If I wasn’t so sure in our love and commitment to each other, I would never go through with a marriage again, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to let go of years of self-deprecation.

We don’t talk about the feelings you may experience when the person you thought would be your person forever ends up not to be. About how much harder it gets to start over the older you get. Regardless of whether you were the initiator or the other party, we don’t talk about what the whole experience does to you mentally and emotionally in some cases, unless it’s extreme. 

I want to let people who are divorced know and who may be wrestling with those stigmas and feelings know; I see you. I know it can feel like you have a black mark on you too, and it’s ok to feel all the things – good, bad and questionable. It’s ok if you never want to try marriage again. It’s ok if you are on your third time. Try not to limit yourself with final statements because you never know where life will take you.

Tyson, I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life. Especially with love. To think I could have let those bad decisions keep me from being here with you today is…. unfathomable. Thank you for understanding, as best you could, what I was going through in my own head, and allowing me the space to process my feelings. 

Two Years Later

It’s a bit wild revisiting this blog. While I still feel a lot of those feelings when I think of being divorced and remarried, I’ll admit that they have lessened. It’s not the marriage itself that was the problem but the spectacle of being a bride again. Knowing it’s supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life, and wrestling with the feelings of shame you’re imposing upon yourself.

Would I advise divorcees to consider taking the leap again? I think that’s up to each individual person. All I can say for sure is, try not to live by closed off statements (I’ll never *fill in black* again) because you just never know where life’s going to take you. It would be ashame to miss out on something truly wonderful because you’re afraid it’ll turn out the same it did before.

Am I glad I got married again? That’s a less than simple answer. I’m glad I found a person who loves and supports me so wholeheartedly. Someone I’m really excited to share my life with. While I didn’t need to legally bind us, I’m not sad that’s what we did in the end.